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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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5:25 pm
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hello people how are you. here's a presentation of an unsatisfactory reunion. because im gone gone gone.
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| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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7:46 pm
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its been a while but i have a seperate journal i keep in touch with, cept, i've been abandoning that too.
things are going so great with sky. the first couple months were rocky as hell, insecurities and suspicion had me doubt his feelings for me. lots has change. im relatively stable. ive grown up, i realized i dont need to dwell in my despair to feel, and to be me. but sometimes, stabilized happiness seems to lack all depth and intensity.
:sigh:
i love jonn.
i forgot the processing of age and how youth has an expiration date. growing up is scaring the shit out of me.
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| Friday, June 24th, 2005
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11:36 am
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it feels seeing a picture of sev. really really weird. its like a past i dont want to remember, it was even this MONTH this WEEK of last year that he came down to see me .
but you know what? FUCK sev.
my boyfriend is wonderful <3<3
here's to a lovely beginning to seomthing aksjfds ablah awesome.
<3 he treats me SOOOO wonderful, like no one else had.
my favorite 4 ppl in the world.
sky
zach
lyndon
erik
i thank God for knowing them <3
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| Saturday, December 25th, 2004
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11:35 am
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i never felt so loved during my birthday. im not exagerating when i say its the best bday ive had in all my 19 years. yah yah im 19 now woo! ^_^ okay the day before my birthday i hung out with my close friends erik, erik, dan, albert, tom and peg. at first it was only me dan and albert at albert's place and we were practicing recording. i sung my lyrics to some sample beats but it was cringe inducing when i heard what i sound like on audio x____X i need more practice.
im such a dork, dan said the other half of the gang finally arrived and he made me stop recording to come downstairs. and they said look out the window, they're there outside. im such a dork and i totally fell for it. im like huh? where? *looks* *still looks* *stands on her toes and looks* and they come up behind me singing happy birthday. erik perez was holding a tray of cupcakes with candles on them. in all my life even with all my past best friends NO ONE has ever done that for me.awww i love them so much. erik p got me the thrills cd and erik goad got me a chord for my nonexistent amp and a keychain to keep your pick :D he was all like "here's a step to becoming a true guitarist" lol they're so funny, and i know they dont have a lot of money so it meant alot to me. dan's mom baked the cupcakes and gahhhh!! i love them so much <3
on my bday i spent wtih my college friends that ive grown really close to. alma, gus, and corine. we couldnt go see the hydra because it was 21 and over and corine is friends with the band and shes 22 so she could have gone but she chose to spend time with me instead ^___^ corine was working till 10pm so gus took me and alma to west hollywood where we ate at the hooters :D the girls there were actually very nice. this girl saw my taking back sunday pin and said "omg i love you" and we discussed music and stuff. we chatted with random ppl and there was a conteset where someone who finds the hooter owl doll gets 20 percent off. a table with three guys found it first and i was trying to bargain with them, and lied that we saw it at the same time. @___@ lol it was funny, i asked them cmon ten percent , ten percent, or 15 to five! and finally one percent! give us one percent! after they finished eating, this guy actually handed me a dollar and said happy bday and merry xmas. i was like awww thank u till i got the joke. 1% -> one dollar. lmao oh man im slow.
me and alma spent 15 minutes on the esclators. she was trying to go down on the escalators going up and i was on the escalator next to hers trying to go up on the ones that was going down. ppl were staring and one lil girl asked "what shes doing mommy?" mom : " i think..... shes trying to go down..." when she saw alma.
then we went clubbing ^_^ my first time. corine snuck me a shot of vodka and redbull and it tasted horrible *__* alot of gay ppl were there but it was hot seeing guys make out =D saw some more friends frm school and ahh it was so sweet. this one stranger was tryng to dance hump me in the back an di was so surprised (it was my first time at a club -___-) that i stopped dancing and my gay cutie friend christian thought he was botheirng me and said something i dunno and that other guy got offended and sheesh it was a mini drama. it was cute christian was all trying to look after me an dstuff <3
alot of crazy stuff happened that made me laugh and i had the greatest time and i got home at 3 am and ahhh gus paid for like a 40 dollar dinner and spent 10 dollars on other things on me and ahhhh hes so fucking nice <3
the monday before i went to see a show metalskool with corine and gus an dit was hilarious. they're really good they kept bringing the audience on stage and throwing obscene cracks at random ppl. good times good times :D killradio was playing and a guy came over and pulled gus up on stage and gus danced with them for a minute lol awesome. and a guy from static X came up on stage and played with metalskool for a few songs @__@
wild <3
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| Monday, December 20th, 2004
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6:35 pm
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i hate winter break. i actually like school. *nerd* im suppose to get to gus's house by 8:30. two more hours and i have nothing to do. then we're going to go to the roxy with careen and watch a show. yayy. i havent been to a show for so long.
i was just starting to make friends and get aquainted with my classmates and now it's over :/ bleh. and i have to start over meeting new people, the classes, the schedule. ahhhhh. alma, me, gus and careen dont have any classes together. im taking winter classes, voice and guitar1. maybe ill finally progress and be able to create something.
my birthday coming up soon. im dreading it. all my birthdays pretty much turn out horrible. gus promised to take me out though so hopefully it'll be better this year.
im suppose to hang out with jasper this week, im trying to get out of the house as much as possible.
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| Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
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8:06 pm
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no one quite fits my emotional needs. no one can relate to my lyrics, my pain whatever. people find the need to dub anything emotional as some sappy cliche crap, a trend. ive made alot of friends at school, im having fun. but i still feel alone because im only showing my exterior. its happening again and i hate it. so im not being me.
i just want to find someone i can write music with, to cry with, to hate the world with. to comfort eachother when we're in such pain, to hold eachother when the other overdoses or what not. someone who can understand, relate. someone who loves the music that i love. someone i can show my lyrics to and have them understand. i showed Gus my lyrics and he completely freaked out.
im not quite so sure if i am happy or not anymore.
i hate how only my exterior is exposed. blasdjkf blah.
ive been skating in the mornigs before i go to school. and sometimes during the afternoon. ill try to get lost so that i can waste as much time possible from my life. i hate going home.
you know how i feel?
this is how i feel.
i feel ugly and foolish. unspecial and unloved. unacknowledged and invisible. just a fragment of dust and i feel ugly ulgy ugly. a cry out for pain, i need to make a enw journal.
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| Saturday, November 20th, 2004
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5:30 pm
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loving school, hating myself.
lyndon made my day, i cant imagine my life without him >_< i cant, he means so much to me. same goes for zach <3 these two are my angels <3<3<3 hehe cept he's a lil mischievous angel with horns holding up the halo ;)
moving to la. yay!
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| Sunday, November 7th, 2004
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1:48 am
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my background sucks. someone help me.
ive been in a miserable state. i was so happy makign these friends but i went through a total downfall as i acknowledged the person i am once again. getting to a bad cutting state again, whatever, it actually felt so relieving today, i cant have this turn into a habit again :( makes things so difficult, hiding and being insecure of its exposure etc. posting pics is one thing but when it comes to real life and ppl seeing them i get extremely phobic about them. whats going on with me. i feel so alone. so inadequate. ive been unable to write, i have no comfort whatsoever. im losing everything, me, im such an ugly thing. ugly inside and out in every aspect, not only ih physical appearance but in regards of potential, future and what not. im moving to L.A. in three-four weeks. im very excited, well i was but im losing all interest in anything. its getting so bad. i jsut want to stay in my bed day and night but that drives me insane, im unalbe to do my shcoolwork. things are looking good, ive made friends, awesoem ones, ive got to know so many people, and people have complimented me but that makes me more depressed later on. makes me realize how much of hte opposite is true. im lost and weeping insanity in tearless form. im granted no outlet, just a burden, drowning me while others swim to safety. i really should learn how to swim. how can i explain, when i say im not "special" i mean it in a sense where i view myself as subhuman, where i dont have the privileges that most humans are given, privileges such as love, acceptance, future, adequacy, worthwhileness, and so i view these qualities as special things that im deprived of. when is ay im not "special" i mean that im not loved, im not cared for, im invisibile, my occupation does not depict existence to others while everyone else is always known and shown within eachother, i am never good enough to reach an average level of adequacy.
tell me something i dont want to hear
ill believe it, disregard it, and hate you for it.
tell me something i want to hear and ill desperately wish for my eyes to be able to differientiate truth from nonsense.
i am not making sense, and its okay.
i actually thank God for having lyndon and zach in my life. these guys are the greatest i dont know wha ti would do without them.
then there's erik and alice <3 i am so lucky, these people are my blessings, and they get me through sometimes.
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1:34 am
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so im getting to know this group more, they are coolness. most of them are gay but ahh they are sweethearts. a couple guys there kept referring me to as their "boyfriend" heh i dont mind since i get alot of friendly roughhousing >;D they are seriously sweethearts, reminds me of will and grace lol. gah everyone there is so sexual though, a group of guys were playign spin the bottle, you see alot of ppl makingout and getting massages and weird stuff there o.O big group so im starting to know more and more people. and this is exactly what i needed what ive been craving, just having a bunch of friends and it really has kept me happy. this one girl keeps put moving moves on me o.0 its funny, i laugh it off and joke aroudn but eh i think she's serious, makes alot of lesbian innuendos and gus just stays there and doesnt help me out when shes all moving on me and stuff -___- stupid gus. *tries to remember everyone's names* so theres jovan, javier, brian, gus of course, kyle, laura, that girl id otn know the name of, that sweetie brian, the other guy i dont know the name of, gah so many ppl there and random ppl constantly popping in, gus doesnt even know that many ppl either. so its been fun, they have me laughing in stictches. i was late for my sociology exam and a guy there held the door open for me even though i was way far off and i forgot to get a scantron so he handed me one of his, that was very nice. i think ill get him candy or soemthing. i also met dana, ergh she doesnt seem my type, OH MAN and i met this cool chick in my class, she's actually friends with the band that have contacted me on myspace several times. :D:D we;re gonna go to shows together so im excited. tehres sehna who's tight as well, music oriented, ive been talking more to chad, he seemed so anti social at first but turns out hes just really extremely shy. like alot o.o he's 21, looks liek that guy from tbs sorta or bert from the used.
writing this boring nonsense but it means so much to be that i made these friends. i was in no way popular in high school but i had alot of friends i knew everybody, and alot of ppl knew me and i "stood out" in college i was starting to feel an added sense of invisibility, it was getting me seirous depressed and iw as missing my dear guy friends so much. i havent had a chance to talk dan, alb, or erik for a long time :( 2 weeks which is definitely long. erik left a message on my cell which made me smile and laugh cause i thought it was cute and funny. he was complaining about how we were playing "phone tag" the way we were constantly calling eachother but no body was ever home when one of us did call.
i voted :D grabbed a bunhc of "i voted stickers" and a lady scolded me asking me how many times i voted and said it was illegal to vote more than once -__- okay so what if i hung around the area for a while but i didnt have class till 12 and i had nowehre to go and the 2nd time i was waiting for gus to finish up -__-
im so happy happy wiht my friends friends. just know alot of people again. i cant explain how it induces sanity within me. everyone at the gruop is so huggy there though o.o hugs alot, strangers too. lots of sexual innuendos but ah they're cool. i want to get to know more guys, as friends, thats the best thing about gay guys, they dont always assume ur hitting on them when u just strike up a convo but hopefully i wont have problems with that :/ that id be able to talk to more guys without them concluding that i have a thing for them or something. blah,.
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| Sunday, October 31st, 2004
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8:31 am
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so i made some more friends at college. i met Gus's gay friend javier, lol he makes me laugh he's awesome. he's so cute, we'd swap slap kisses and lol i only hug him because he's such a girl otherwise i perfer to give the good ole handfist shake to my guy friends. i met some of javier's friends and what's awesome is that they're the group ive been noticing for a while that i wished to get to know. this one cute guy with a liip ring, he came over and looked at me, i wish he said something though. no luck finding the guitar club, where the fuck is room "math 22" -___- i also made friends with kyle, he's cool, he's very into breakdancing and he said he'll teach me :] he's been giving me and gus a ride to the maincampus so yay :D no more bus. and this other girl, blah i dotn like her -___- i feel like she's intruding alot and she's taking my friend gus away -___- blah. bitch. lol. ah well she's nice and stuff but gah im not sure if i like her too much. maybe cause kyle saw me giving javier a hug, he tries to hug me too when we say bye but i kinda back away and give him a fist to fist handshake instead to reinforce u know the vibe that we're friends only >_< hope he's not offended or anything. but lol we were hanging out, me kyle and javier after gus left, i think kyle was starting to get the idea that javier was gay but kyle was awesome he was being a good sport and didnt act rude or back away anything. he even tried to offer some makeup tips he has heard about to javier. awesomenss.
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| Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
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8:37 pm
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i am so homesick for my friends :(... they were the greatest, i love those guys. the friends i made at college do not equal even half their standards. with these guys, we were just plain goofy and we always had a blast and i would always always be laughing. we'd do such random stuff, id give daniel five words that he has to freestyle and someone else starts to beatbox and he provides really weird "visuals" lmao. i think i was almost about to cry, they are so close to me. i remember just three weeks ago, me, erik, dan, albert and tom went to the park like at 10pm. tom brought his acoustic with him and i brought dan's skateboard. he started playing and we did a bunch of random stuff. dan and erik were battling on "freestyle walking" they'd do some lame twirls and jumps and going through the slide backwards and the most creative wins. omg that was hilarious i love those guys ^_^ then they did a "swing freestyle" deal where after you swung as high as you can you jump off with some stunt. i just jumped and landed on my ass both times and decided to sit next to albert and watch instead >_O erik and daniel did so many funny ass stuff and they all fell and landed on their ass, backs etc. it was funny lol but they werent hurt. tom was good o.O he did some crazy shit where he did the michael jordon (kicking his feet and touching both of them with his hands) a split etcetc until he decided to do a 45 degree turn and he landed on his side >< and we all went "OHHHHHHHH HOOOO!!!!" and we started laughing like crazy and asking if he was alright at the same time. he just layed there for a bit and said yeah... he was hurt but not too badly i think >_O dan and alb started laying down on the sand right there to accompany tom's immobility lol. and i did the same while albert made some sand castle with a leaf for a flag O.o
and there were days when we all got our skateboards and started skating and there was this slope and we'd get on top and sit down on the skateboard and see who could go down the fastest. lol you have to put your feet down to slow urself down a lil or else you get out of control. erik didnt put his feet down and he just bam speeded down and did a 360 degree turn 2 times before crashing into the side fence.
this is the stuff we do. just random awesomeness. my friends at college drink and go clubbing as their source of fun. me and my guys, we never even considered that. we'd also create beats with alberts computer and since albert got a four track machine, we started recording lil tunes seperately and then putting it together. id do the drums with real drum sticks but banging them on the bedside and books and stuff, tom was playing acoustic, erik and dan swapped playing my electric guitar, it came out pretty good actually o.O and the drums sounded like snares.
i wish i wasnt a grade older than them. i hate the fact that i had to leave them. i still see them once a week but it's not the same as seeing them everyday and hanging out. gah i miss them so much i get all tearful. my friends at college are alright but they arent the same. when i was still in h.s which is only several months ago, these guys kept me SANE. even during my worst times, these guys had me laughing and things became bearable. i didnt give shit what ppl thought of me, they gave me a sense of belonging.
my friends in college dont have that goofyness where you do weird stuff, like out there weird stuff and not even thinking of what ppl are thinking of them. i cant be as free with these new friends. and they dont have me laughing as much. they are pretty cool friends but i miss my friends in h.s. so much <3 they're in their senior year , im definitely going to their grad <3
Gus, he's funny and cool, i hang out with him most of the time and he gets me laughing too but we dont really do much O.o just walk and talk and eat. and i became friends with his gay friend and he is so funny. oh my he's a feisty one lol. he started shaking his ass beyonce style in the cafeteria and he was good lol. i also made another friend kyle, he breakdances and he said he'll teach me. he's pretty cool. there's franchisca, the only girl friend ive made so far. but she's very tomboyish and gus first thought she was a guy, no joke o.O
AHHHHHHHHHH i miss my boys!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 :*(
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| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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6:36 am
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my friend gus and me :) friend i made at college <3 he's funny :D real cool. my friend peg think he's cute lol. i miss my friends dan erik and alb and erik and even tom more
:*( im so homesick for them its crazy. hopefully ill see them this friday
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| Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
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2:03 am
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i got a hug from brandon from THE USED <3 ahhhhhh. i didnt even get to see the show but i went after the show ended and waited for an hour at the back. omg he is so cute. and he gives the BEST HUG EVER. he pulls you in and it's tight and warm and it's not like a loose "pat pat on the back fan hug" lol gah >_< i think im in love with him >_< no really >_<
i asked him for another hug before i left and he said aww sure. and reached in and grabbed me and hugged me all close and tight again. GAH!!! it made me so happy, i swear that is the bestest hug i have ever gotten in my whole entire life ^_^ it's so sweet and personal. and he didnt even know me and he gave me a hug that is x2974753 better than from guys i have known for a lot longer.
this one black guy was harassesing me for my number last week. it was at the SMC library at the computer lab, and he addressed everyone there and said "excuse everybody, can i have your attention? how many of you guys think this girl should give me her number, raise your hand" gah i was mortified so i scooted my chair towards gus and told him to hurry up with his essay and tried to hide next to him. he did a bunch of weird stuff that made me turn red. he gave me eye-rolling inducing lines like "you're heavenly, if i rated you from 1-10 you'd get 10 1/2" i replied with wow... 10 AND a half.. nice, almost there to eleven sarcastically. he gave me lines along those lines [lol unintentional pun] and i finally responded with "did you get these lines from the internet? because they sound really cliche" etc, his friends snorted with laughter. then guy said "do you know who i am?" i said no.. and he got a fro pick from his pocket and combed his hair so that it was more fro'y. i just gave a O.o look and told him i still didnt know who he was. he said D.Nice. i said fine, im going to look you up online, and sure enough some searches came up. something about his lyrics. maybe he's semi famous in the underground scene, it seems like it the way he strutted in the library and being all loud and stuff because he thought he could do whatever he wants. blah. when the searches came up, he got up and went BAM! DAS RIGHT. implying i was stupid to reject his attempts. i couldnt give shit if he was "famous" or not. for all i know, he might have been lying too. but the weird thing is, he kept at it for like half an hour, that's a pretty long time o.0 i like that, it shows that the guy cares more. but seeing how it came so "naturally" to him, i know he has done this to other girls before so im not very flattered.
gah the USED! BRANDON! GAHHHHH!!!!!!! <3 lol erik wants me to slip him my number. lol, im like "do you realize how many fans probably slip him their numbers?! and ill just be blended in with those fanatics, i wont stand out" etc, but he's serious and hey i want to see them again :D specially him ^_^ so whenever the next show is, which im sure will be not for a while.
GAH HE'S SO SO SOS SOS CUTEEE! GAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HE IS ABSOLUTELY THE CUTEST THING EVER. he's pretty short, but way taller than me, and it was so weird to see him upclose and personal, he looks just as he looks in photos etc.
friday i went out for a walk because i couldnt stand it in my house. then i called jasper then we went out to hang. ive known him for 7 years but we've only kept in touch maybe once every 6 months >< i dont like how he was putting moves on me, but most of the day was put on a frienship vibe so im hoping he'll stick with that because i hated it when he would do something, made me feel all awkward and tensed up.
saturday i went out for a walk because i was getting depressed and coudlnt stand it in my house. erik was feeling the same. so we both went out for a walk together and walked 45 minutes to the mall.
im not doing too good. i hate this time of the year. the whole coldness brings back so many bad memories. just by breathing in the air gives me semi flashbacks. alsdkfjsdlakfj
blah
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| Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
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10:26 am
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i miss sev. so much. :*( x9374394739473947. it doesnt feel complete when he is absent from my life. even though we are broken up i still need him in my life , through thick and thin, and i want to be there for him also, i care about him so very much.
im a fucking stupid ass.
again and again adn again.
i dont like this. i miss him.
this faggot tried to blackmail me whore core. it was awful what he did, i broke down crying during the night but my angel lyndon <3 [god, i love him] saved me, and zach my soul best friend did so also <3 and a bunch of strangers who were so kind to rescue me throughout the early morning (yeah this occured at 3am in the morning, preventing me from going to sleep) gave me good advice. the person who owned the site helped me out as well <3 he was so great. this guy who tried to blackmail me is a FUCING SICK SICK ASS PERSON. I WANT TO FUCKING CUT HIS BALLS OFF. he was horrid. and it meant so much to me that my close friends like lyndon and zach wanted to hurt him also ;) no but really it did. including several friends from myspace who also wanted to kick the living ass out of him. i am so grateful for these i can not not express to you how horrid that was, that guy gathered a bunch of my info and lots more and put it up on a site and threatened that he will not put it down unless i send him complete naked picture. i felt fucking degraded that fucking fucking FAGGOT! man i cried my eyes out. turns out this guy stole another guy's account and impersonated him. tom got his account closed and it was sweet that he responded back with a supportive message. he also tried to get me to say "i love your dick" and so and so on that ass, i really hope people find out his address and beat the living crap out of him. it was so horrid.
I love you lyndon <3<3<3 so very much. ur my angel in human form.
I love you zach <3 you are the greatest friend. u always look out for me and care for me so much <3 soulbestfriendsforlife <3<3
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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8:18 pm
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ive started a new journal, i have a habit of doing this, starting anew. but ive had this for so long, alot of history here, i dont know which one to write in because right now, it's preventing me from writing at all. i dont know what to do. im feeling hurt. i dont know what to say. i hate the world and how it makes me feel. i hate everything but more than anything i hate myself. im tired of feeling ugly, shuttup, dont tell me any bullshit compliments please, im tired of feeling so alone in everythign and so misunderstood im so fucking tired.
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| Monday, September 27th, 2004
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2:10 am
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bloOp.
damn sink.. where's the drain-o? *nudges rhobbie*
i have been getting horrible, disrupted sleep. ill wake up two hours after ive fallen asleep, it's turning into some reflexive habit for my body. and it sucks ass and it's just so frustrating. i cant remember my dreams but it's straining, and im fighting. the plot of the dream itself does not involve violence but im physically fighting. ugh it's horrible.
it's been like this to the extreme for a good two weeks.
did i mention i talked to the ass taylor?
Gus is really really super duper cool and funny =D i like him. i dont think im developing a crush on him and i hope not. i find him incredibly cute personality wise and appearance wise. he's funny as hell. haha that dork.
went to my old high school, it was cool where all these people knew me again and was all like linda!!! =D i had alot of friends in high school, alot of people knew me though i only hung out with my friends dan, albert and erik and erik perez. i wasnt popular or anything, thank god, i look down on that superficialness, but i was known by alot of people. i dont have that in college and i miss it. blah. but overall i like college alot. i just want to have more time there instead of the three hours a day that i get cause there's nothing to do after that :/
sociology class is awesome.
getting focused again to get my stuff out there. musically. awesome.
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| Monday, September 20th, 2004
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8:02 pm
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well here's the ground again. past blood stains still there to remind me of the past hurt and im stuck with it again. it just clings on to me and never lets go. why is this. im so confused and im so alone in this feeling where there is no one by my side to hold me emotionally. there is one but he is so far away. please can we experience this together and trade our observations and take notes on this simliliar pain we seem to be experiencing today. let's bleed together, cry together, hurt together and though we are still alone, we'll be alone together and the gap becomes smaller. maybe if i go on my knees and look above and ask once my for him to hear me my problem will be solved. will you please let me go? please its unbearable and it will be beneficial to others. dont cast me away cause of this sin. do i believe and accept you? i dont know yet. but the prospect of hell scares me shit. let me say goodbye my friends and lets still be friends and dont tell me its a selfish thing to commit. its selfish of you to want me to stay when im hurting so. and what you said burned interior. soul friend where are you when i need you. why cant you be by my side in body because i feel myself losing grasp on this rail on this empire state building and im not trying as hard to hold on anymore. please need me like i need you. someone hear me im so alone. pain pain go away.
the eyes that do the seeing in my mind and create thoughts and observations and collect the feelings to ponder over is becoming blind and i feel like a handicapped child who needs help to feed herself. im zoning out to the point where im just a vegetable. when i return i ask where am i and where did i go and whats going on. im getting electric shocks to the head where i more than twitch and tumble in my comfort deprived sleep. i feel physically sick what am i doing to myself but these emotions is a true setback for me where its draining out all energy clogging the sink and its just shit getting piled up thats not getting done. walk all over me again why dont you. make me feel inadequate again why dont you. bring me the mirror to show the ugliness why dont you. irrational truth. so many ppl have made me believe things i know arent true. so many ppl made me beleive they loved me, they need me, that they see a beautiful girl, the coolest girl they know, they made me believe that they cared for me, that all this was true. why am i always so willing to be so foolish. thats just another step up for them and im here with my face against the floor again and again and again and again and i feel naked in flesh. talk to me and make me happy for the shortest of moments, feed the beggar a morsel when he was just getting used to the hunger. is this a joke is this a game. let go of me and dont make me cling onto you. why do you do this, and you and you and you. why do you guys all do this to me. dont look at me too long to expose all defects and insecurties. im looking away from now on. ill converse but i dont need anyone. ill be alone at this campus. and even though i have been making friends and more and more acquaintences, i dont need you, you dont need me. im still looking for a soul buddy that fills that spot at least 1/4 of how much zach does and ill be grateful. fuck ill be grateful if i even find someone that complets 1/16 of how much zach does. i love you zach. fuck my head is hurting im physically hurting and im in just bad shape overall. why am i doing this to myself and why are they doing this to me?
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| Monday, August 16th, 2004
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9:43 pm
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world's full of fags. i thought i was lucky to make some awesome friends, er these guys i dont really know too well but er they only want oen thing, they act like they genuinely care but they dont. fuck. i dont think they care at all.
things are getting chaotic and i dont feel too well about myself. please help. all sense of self is starting to seep between these cracks my clench fist makes, as it bleeds, i dont know what it is that bleeds as i watch its stain gather on my sleeve, a clear sanguine of evergreen can you decipher the hues of this color for me. prove this to me like a postualte however long it takes for me to believe the assurance of the steps it takes, from a given to wherever it leads. i dont feel too well about myself im watching myself gaze back at something thats not there, is this mirror working, upon my inspection, i dont see my reflection, invisibility is the greatest color of all selections, and my killer has chosen well. does it hurt you as much as it hurts me? im pointing at every single human being, seeing and experiencing are two different things. i give up, world i dont like you anymore, and i refuse to seek any more alternative goals.
im waiting to find someone really cool, i havent yet and i really hope i do at santa monica city college but i dont know if i care much about people anymore. people are such fags.
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| Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
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10:06 am - finally! developed and onto a cd whre i could upload on my comp
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more pictures to come =)
drew and linda rocking the picture!
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| Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
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10:12 pm - what zach wrote
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This page is dedicated to Linda. Thank the stars that I met you. The knowledge of there being someone just like me, It lifts weights off my soul. Your so beautiful and I want you to be so very happy, because you deserve it. After going threw what you went threw. I want you to jump for joy and dance like a crazed woman because it sounds like it would be a funny sight to see. Your random and wonderful. I don't care about what others say or think about, Your beautiful to me and that is all that matters to me is my opinion. Your beautiful because your personality has a wonderful was of expressing itself. In your lyrics and letters that you send me. You looks are a bonus and that is such an understatement. Your the one who showed me the beauty in being morbid. You inspire me to get up and do whatever. Your my partner and soul buddy. Eventually after i get a job, Im going on a vacation to see you. No doubt about it. Or we can hope to win the lottery, (if i do im kidnapping you to europe, I don't know why, just europe sounds like a good place to start taking over the world) Yeah, I love your lyrics. The express emotion in ways that capture my attention. Your old school and kick ass to boot. AH! (runs on walls) You seriously helped me out so much in life. Just talking to you and sending e-mails explaining my current feelings helped me out SO..much. Its amazing, your amazing. Thank you for being you. Remember to Rockistan into the burgandy out of the magenta! (we are probably the only ones in the world who will ever get that) Ha Ha. I will get to California! I vow it! Its just one of those things that have to be done. If I had to, I'll get decked out in knight armor and save you, but that would most likely happen if I won the lottery. (cross fingers). But I can always rob a seven eleven. I'll talk with you later. (insert one of those heart things you send to me but make it as big as you screen)
he is awesome awesome awesome awesome!!!!!! <333333
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| Monday, July 26th, 2004
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5:08 am - erik is my best friend.
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i just received an email from him.
i remember hearing somewhere about this company that recovers deleated
harddrives. maybe you could send yours their and recover it. if its really
expensice, i'll contribute. after all, you've spent so much money me
already, and what are best friends for? btw, did you ever send the money
order to get your guitar? sorry i didnt help you out that night. when it
comes, let me know and i can help you get started.
i really care about you linda, and it hurts me to see you in distress. i
want to help you through your problems, you dont diserve any hardships.
anything i can do to help you- anything at all- just let me know and i'll do
it.
lots of love, into the burgendy
he is special and he is one of the closest friends i have. id chill with him more than anyone else in the group and we'd talk and id try to talk and come to the point where my throat locks up and i actually cant and he'd be there to listen to my silence and when a person just sits there and listens to ur silence he is trying very hard to be there for you. he is one of the few ppl that really recognizes and acknowledges and appreciates to the full extent of the person i am, morbid and depressed and psychotic and happy and intense and all. really sees the uniqueness in me the indepth the expression through lyrics, writing, and ive always seen that in myself but when i lose them it's thank to guys like him that helps me cling to it. the few that really considers me beautiful and not the bullshit fed comments crap but they tell u what they see and they are so special in my heart. i am starting to love erik in the best friend type of way, where u cant be without that person in ur life. and man he's in a WAY tougher situation than i am it's insane and it's amazing how he wants to help me out and we'd swap our feelings of anger and hurt and listen to each. that email gave me a jolt of one electric volt to wake me up frm the negative mindblinding thoughts.
and then there's zach. oh wow this guy is like my SOUL friend. he is someone ESSENTIAL absolutely ESSENTIAL to be in my life. losing him would be like losing the ONE person that ABSOLUTELY understands AND relates to me. while erik and i are like best friends, zach and i, there's a different connection of the friendship. like deeper cause we understand eachother so much. we are SO alike it's insane. we go through familiar period of certain ups and downs at the same time. he had a thing with that one girl, and i had that thing with that fucking ass taylor. they both made us feel like shit. words cant express. man i wish the fucking computer "fix it" guy didnt fuck wiht my computer then id still have his emails. in one he and i was saying how we had knowledge about PAIN due to certain experiences. how they dont SEE because alot of them remain sheltered with superficial bullshit. we talked about selfinjury and talked about it the way we actually saw it. not some fucking way of attention whoring or victimized role play or some overdramatized movie version bullshit or some sort of cool fucked up fetish or some new overhyped breakthrough of psychological personality disorder or some IN thing or a way to prove whatever point or take it lightly as if it was nothing like how some ppl do.
zach and i have never met, we've only known eachother for several months but through talkign and emails we KNOW that we got that connection. he wrote something awesome that gave my mouth another push to a smile in his aim profile. i wanted to copy and paste it here like i did erik's email but to look up his aim profile again he'd had to be online x__X ill edit it in later. i am going to make him get a fuckign livejournal >:)
these two guys are absolutely essential in my life, they stablize and stops my convulsing feet that edges to the borderline of insanity x__X
i got my uniqueness and revealings that i put so much of myself into in my writings, random freewrites, lyrics, stream on conscientiousness, poems, journals, profile infos, talks.
when will ppl recognize it? (knowing zach does <3 and erik does <3 i am so lucky to have these guys in my life)
cause fucking invisible me is turning even more transparent.
"and you dont even feel the gust of air that my transparent hands creates /as they wave energetically in front of ur face" (lines from my lyrics, inspiration-> fucking taylor)
i miss dan, albert, erik perez, erik goad, and how dan and i and albert would try to freestyle during lunch, and how daniel would beatbox and do that snare thing by clicking his tonuge in the way back and hum at the same time as his fucking tongue creates instrumentals in his cheek =D over the summer we were planning to record and chill alot, there's plans this week but i dont relaly feel up to going anywhere this week, just want to chill and sleep and things are different and i miss the old days i miss those guys i miss the hurt taylor inflicted upon me cause those are the only familiar things i seem to have, i havnet seen peggy, i couldnt give shit bout anyone else like the group downstairs- im not planning to keep in touch nor hang/chill/meet the most of them cause i dont like to be around ppl that bullshits like they do, i miss jasper- man's it's been a while- known him for seven years, closefriend but it's been a off and on getting a hold of eachother thing , mainly due to my fault.
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| Saturday, July 24th, 2004
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12:53 am
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some people are such mother FUCKERS. !!! two people messaged me on myspace using whatever info i put on there about selfinjury etc as some sexual fantasy. bitches. thanks for using my pain as ur source of some sick fetish. and i dont know why every person assumes that im enthustiastic as hell to go along with whatever fantasy their mind conjures up. as if it's a COMPLIMENT that they would message an idotic comment like that. then there was that nasty forty year old guy at Vons [at least he looked like it] that asked for my number, mentioned that he just got a house, etcetc. ew. at first he was asking me if i graduated h.s. and college stuff etc and i thought he was trying to help me out about some info about transfering and stuff and then i realized what he was getting at but i acted dunce as if i didnt know he was hitting on me so that at least he wouldnt think i was ACCEPTING his stupid hit ons. i mentioned that i had a boyfriend and that no, i dont think it will break anytime soon cause im really into him. then there were some motherfuckers that aim me and im pretty rude nowadays but i dont care and id be kinda sarcastic and iw ould respond with that i got an aweseome awesoem boyfriend and they would go "so??" wtf. what do u mean so? my boyfriend is wayy hotter and intelligent than ull ever be. u think i would even so much as look at u when i see u on the streets? cause my eyes will never leave sev. and all of these shits is not flattering cause im just another girl they want to make a move on because ia m a fucking female that they want to fuck. ha. very flattering. (i really hope u sense the fucking sarcasm in this!!)it will be nicer if ppl attempted to really talk to me and the ppl were cool and blah blah but no i am stuck with dumb stupid piMps Yo.
life is sucking at 60mph adn it is breaking the speed limit.
*screeeechhhhh* *crash*
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| Friday, July 23rd, 2004
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9:13 am - my boyfriend is leaving..!! :(
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what am i going to do without him? things wont be the same. *goes off into a shadowy corner and cries*
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| Monday, July 12th, 2004
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10:14 am - aww..
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my boyfriend is absolutely amazing
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| Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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7:07 am - take me away from here.
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now. pick me up and take me far far away from here, i dont care where just far from this fucking shit called home. ill pitch in gas money, ill take out whatever is in my bank account [which isnt alot] and buy us food and we'll ration the cheetos to last for months. all ill bring with me will be my backpack full of clothes and a cd player and my cd case with all my cds, cause we'll always need music. go on a road trip that will last however long it'll need to, go on for miles and sleep in ppl's garages till we get caught. eventually we'll need to steal food and while i distract the clerk behind the 7-11 counter u pick up as many things u can and we'll make a run for it before the cops arrive. if things get desperate ill whore myself for a few more articles of clothing for the both of us and food and gas and batteries for my cd player. we'll head for the coolest of thrift stores and find some awesome thigns there, cause u know, they have cool stuff. and we'll wear whatever we bought from there that day and get all giddy cause we managed to look so hot wearing somethign so cheap. how many ppl can do that ehhh? from who we know, just us :). we'll hate life but hate it together and we'll cry together as we sit on the hood of ur car, darkest of nights, looking up at the stars and wishing we were the non existent versions of them. but we'll survive cause we're tough like that, and whoever treated us wrong, we'll get around to spitting on each and every face that treated us like shit. say "fuck you bitch, how does it feel being this close to the asphalt when you treated us so low" and we'll feel much better but also feel worse but we'll cure that by getting a ice cream cone from the wallets we stole. take away their dignity as well as their money for a satisfied ending. still feeling like shit, still hating the world. woah am i starting to rhyme? ha in my mind it seems like it. but i rhyme words that u think shouldnt rhyme at all.
sit on top of the hood of ur car, gazing at all the stars and counting out all the names of the ppl you hate, of the ppl u love, of reasons and whatever is in our minds that time. favorite cartoon characters, the suckiest commercials that gets aired all the time, leaving u all frustrated and wanting to throw the fucking remote at the fucking screen and breaking it into shatters of cheap glass. then there will be a pause cause we can't remember the last time we saw a tv show. but that's okay. cause we're cool like that and we managed so far. one day we'll collect enough money from those phone booth slots and reward ourselves with a movie. u want a high but we cant afford it, we'll find an alternative and ill find u a spray paint. half full. i dunno, i heard u could get high off of that and maybe you can. and after ur all done and ur brain is spray paint free and sober, we'll use the remaining paint and use it on our hair in place of punky hair dye :D hopefully we found some cool color, if we found the colors yellow, orange, or some neon color, ha you can have it all <3
and after all the things that happened to us each day we'll make a freestyle out of them cause we're cool like that. and it wont be some dr. seuss bull shit rhyming like "our day was cool, the sky's blue." but it will be some crazy shit cause we got skills yo :D ha or we'll at least think so.
some days it will be beyond awesome, some days it will incomprehensively SUCK. depending on the day. depending on how much food we savaged. unfed minds leaves the talent starving :/ ha ohh fucking great metaphor right there ! :D
i am utterly serious while writing this. but i dont know who you are, hopefully ill find you if you exist at all.
and im writing this while listening to an elliot smith cd. and it just emphasizes the sadness when listening to someone sing something so beautiful, painful, sad, something true, and something ur going through, something u feel.
omg get me out of here. fucking now. please :/
please tell me u exist.
"it's always been wait and see. a happy day and then you pay, and feel like shit the morning after. but now i feel changed around and instead of falling down, im standing up the morning after. situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later. and i could be another fool or an exception to the rule. you tell me the morning after."
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| Saturday, June 12th, 2004
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8:52 am
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XYZZZZZZZZ
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
yeah
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| Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
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6:48 pm
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graduating soon :/
and i am so sad. i dont like the feeling of this. being forced to grow up, being in a different atmosphere, i just dont like it.
i ditched many school friends cause they suck, they're just mere school acquaintences and their petty shit makes me see them in a lower point of view. trying and acting too hard, all that fakeness, artificial personality that they shape according to society. mindless bastards. "oMGgGZz Yo! 50 cent is the SHITZ!!"
but i became closer with the friends who are worth being closer to <3 they are fucking awesome. they are so fun and it's awesome being just random and weird and goofy and having a blast. it's awesome being able to talk to them about real music and not having to be around chingy blaring fucks. okay so most of my friends i kick it with are guys, i dont know, girls are so boring.
AND WHY THE HELL DO GIRLS ALWAYS HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER?! wtf >_< i hate it when a friend goes, "ohh i have to go to the bathroom! come with me!"
i managed to meet a really tight girl though :D she is awesome, she is another underground hip hop fanatic, opinionated cool ass bitch! :D <3
ha -im like the only girl most of the time kicking it with my guy friends, there's another girl who also kicks it but she hooked up with a friend in our group and the cool chick i was talking about comes once in a while. anyways i hate it whenever everyone assumes whenever im with them that im going out with them. wtf. a girl cant be friends with a guy? it totally ruins the innocence of it, labeling something that is so false.
three are particularly awesome :D two are insanely into underground hip hop. they are helping me record <3 i tried it twice, each lasting maybe a couple hours and the result sucked :) but ill be working more on it during summer and hopefully ill come out with a demo :D one song at least!
ha and these guys, we are always playing freestyle games at lunch :D it's hilarious.
oh yeah, huggeee ass fight between the family yesterday. remember my entries two years ago, ha it's turning back to taht.
waiting for another opportunity to go to a good local show :D some good, some suck, but i love goign to see local bands, being upfront with the music blaring into ur ears, being unable to make out what they're saying, having ice spilled all over me, getting hit by a drumstick, making them sign it, weird stuff happens to me, i am so lucky =D
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| Monday, June 7th, 2004
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12:08 am
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oh my lord, i thought i poisoned a lady. i thought i was gonna get fired. i thought my store would get sued. we still probalby will. at my cafe some lady was harrassing me to go make her a weird concution that we dont usually make but we decided to do it to shut her up. i dont make the drinks, im just the cashier so i dont know what the hell they put in there. anyways i handed her a drink and all of a sudden she's like "THIS DOENST HAVE MILK DOES IT?!?!?!" and she had this scared ass/angry look but by that time lines of customers were waiting and im like "no, it's fine," so she could go the fuck away :/ i later asked terrio if it did and he said it did. i was freaked out cause she might be lactose intolerant and she's gonna come back and sue the fucking store. ha she would win, and terrio kept on LAUGHING AND LAUGHING cause i had this scared look on my face and he wouldnt shuttup >_< and the customers were like hmmm...? getting all suspicious and yeah. today a cop came in and i was like "OH FUCK! O FUCK FUCK FUCK!" and then it turned out all he wanted was some shaved ice special. -__-;;
yeah. but im still jumpy as hell. it's ppl like her who could sue the fucking store and win a million dollars. [*coughs* themcdonaldsandthehotcoffeelady *coughs*]
and these fuckign old ass bastards, like 30 or 35, i know its not that old but it's fucking hella too old to be hitting on an 18 yr old girl. yeah. nice. lovely. i am so flattered by getting hit on some balding middle aged men who winks and looks at my name tag and goes "hiii linda" i only work on the weekends but those eight hours on sat and sunday drains the fucking energy out of me.
if i could have a dollar everytime someone came up to me and asked "did ur lip ring hurt?" i would have thirty dollars and with those thirty dollars i would buy myself cds galore at amoeba. ha. and then i would continue getting dollars cause those ppl wont shuttup :D
i dont know how to answer them, i just say "no" but hey i liked the pain and i doubt they have the same view point as me. whatever.
my dad shouting at me in the car. what a nice image. me screaming back and going "fuck you! just take me home!" an even better one. he was taking the long way on purpose and totally lagging so he could fucking yell at me as long as he can. and he's fucking bullshit. i dropped twenty dollars and lost it after he lent it to me to go buy something. i dont know i just woke up from my nap in the car, got the money, got out, went roaming in the store and totally dropped it at one point without knowing it. I WAS FUCKING TIRED AS HELL AND HALF AWAKE. what the fuck does he expect. i told him ill give him the twenty dollars at home, so it would be ME losing the fuckign twenty. but no he had to keep on degrading me saying the fucking bullshitiest thing he can. ridiculing my whole 18 years of life by dropping such a petty amount of money. yeah it seemed alot at first to lose, but it's sure as hell petty compared to the things he said. saying i grew up to be such a nothing after all he's done, mindless moron, what the hell is wrong with you, get out the car and look for it! ahhahahahahahaah i have ten times the knowledge you ever accomplished so if im a dumb bitch i wonder what the fuck that makes u. and i have common sense not to be a stubborn idotic ass looking for a bill in an area where it's full of shoppers, i think the probability of someone picking it up and putting it in their fucking pockets is greater than us finding it. im not getting out of the fucking car. bitch. and he's giving me this disgusted look like im this piece of trash he has to lug around. okay i held it in as long as i could but my anger was blinding and he wouldnt shut the fuck up. fine. if he has no decency to even SHOUT at me PROPERLY with some recognization that im a human being that makes mistakes, then im gonna fucking respond back. i just yelled, FUCK YOU, TAKE ME THE FUCK HOME! ha that was in english but he knows what it means. and the rest i had to say it in broken korean cause i dont know my own language too well. i was born here so what the fuck do they expect. "yeah im a dumb ass bitch because i dropped a twenty dollar bill, im a fuckign nothing, gee i must have wasted all my years, this one thing cancels out everything else i had done. okay i fucking got it bitch, u can shuttup the hell up and take me home now." ha disrespectful? and what he said to me was decent? sure. i was seriously going to open the car door and jump out, it would have been okay since he was driving at five miles per hour, lookng back at me every other second to glare at me. i swear to god he was kidnapping me or something. by that time i was tired of his idotic reaction and i just turned on my cd player really loud. when we FINALLY got home, i threw my bag at the wall, went to my room, slammed the door and if he was gonna even KNOCK at my door i would have totally lost it and just gone up to his face and just continue our shouting event there. ignorant mother fucking asshole. if u dont want to ask questions that dont fucking assume bitch. being convinced that i lost it because i was merely mindless, um i was TIRED from work, i was SLEEPING in the car, U ASK ME WHY and THEN maybe itll justify u screaming at me. i was in the backseat i guess he didnt know i was sleeping. he accused me of doing it almost purposely.
fuck him. he could do whatever the fuck he wants, whatever the fuck he wants to say, but IM disowning HIM from my life. my family is full of bullshit. u got my shitty ass dad, my crackedout brother who steals all my money and pawns my shit, my ignorant generalizing annoying pity wanting bitch of a mother. ha they dont exist in my life. ive been pulling away from them for several monthes now. not even responding when they would try to talk to me. having less communication as possible. never ever sitting down to eat with them. ill eat seperately, thanks. my brother does the same. we are not close as a family.
whatever. im tired of their bullshit, i just want them to get out of my life, out of my businesss, the exact way im staying away from theirs.
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| Saturday, June 5th, 2004
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10:36 am
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i cant i cant i cant icantaicantincatnicantiacanticanticant do this anymore. i just want to fucking DIE. here's the gun, will you blow my brains out? cause im too much of a coward to do it with my own hands. i dont think God exists anymore, not in my mind anyways, but the consequence of the possibility of hell really existing is preventing me from ending this. yeah that and my family. i dont love them, but i worry and it's the guilt. i want to follow the path of Elliot Smith, except my work wont be seen or heard by the world. Elliot, you were brilliant, ur music conveyed the deepest inner most pain. his drug addictions his manic depressive episodes, ud think he found comfort by expressing his anguish through songs, but that's not enough. you hear his songs, and during those 2-3 minutes ur able to relate, but we all forget that he felt what some were almost able to feel every second of his day and not just a few mere minutes. and its the same everyday and im back to this fucking corner again. u feel safe and u begin to think things are gonna be okay, a rare feeling, but fucking things COME CRASHING DOWN. i had enough and i cant do this anymore. im beginning to hate ppl, the world, im feeling this rage within my heart and i just wanted to scream and scream and u know what, i did so this morning and cried along with those few screams and i just wanted to huddle in the corner and never ever come back out again. fuck you and you, fuck the nonexistent ppl that care for me.
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| Sunday, May 9th, 2004
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8:23 am - some long over due pictures.
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( Read more... )
i love my new lip ring <3
goddamnit i wish i was beautiful. ppl have been making me feel ugly to the point where i just shrink. yeah taylor has alot to do with it. what he did.. asshole. it made me feel like as if i was crap under his shoe that he would scrap off with a dead piece of stick so that he wouldnt have to touch a vile thing such as me.
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babyxecstasy's journal